Well, I never imagined today being as hard as it was. It’s hitting me how much I deeply care for my home and parents, and all of the comfort and support it and they have given me throughout the years.
Saying goodbye to friends, both old and new, took a toll on my mostly sensible and not-too-emotional self. Whilst packing the last of my too much stuff into the van, watching the sun go down over the lake, the way it turns the spray of the fountain and the underside of the clouds pink, I came to terms with how complex my emotions are for this unknown adventure.
Petrified to be alone; Rabid for the possibilities; Anxious to be settled; Guilty for not being home, waiting for them to come back on breaks; Uncomfortable with small talk; Ecstatic to paint; Dreading to be surrounded by people my age; Ravenous for education.
I’ve never been one to be frightened by setting out on my own, or having to rely on myself for happiness and survival. I’ve been doing that for three years, having to watch the three (now four, I guess?) people I hold most dear to my heart venture off to their other, happier lives. In order to comfort myself and ease the pain of their going every year, I recede into myself, finding refuge in the natural relationship I’ve built with my parents and the pursuit of furthering my own self. However, all I’m left with is an empty passenger seat and the feeling that I’ve peaked in the understanding of who I am. What if I can’t learn more? What if this is all there is to me?
Having the especially wonderful summer that I did, made parting with the home of my joy particularly astute, reflecting on the best friends I’ve made this summer. Despite the voice in the back of my head, I’m irrationally afraid of who I’ll become in the coming months, scared of the possibility of changing the greatness I feel with those three best friends. I’ve had to battle the ultimate war against the-fear-of-missing-out for the past three years that I am now afraid to create my own life experiences and coming of age realizations.
I’ll bring the pictures of the smiling faces my disposable cameras have captured this summer along with all of my uncertainty to Boston, and hopefully keep my sarcasm in check long enough to make some friends. Or maybe I won’t, and I’ll find the ones that’ll stick around for the long haul. It’s time for me to leave the sadness of the never-ending limbo I’ve felt for the past three years, and embrace the awkward entrance to a new Colleen.
Some comforting words came to me from a friend in a Starbucks today. “Knowledge, creativity and the drive that you feel towards life, and living it with us, the people who make you and me feel like the best version of ourselves, is infinite.”